Accessing peace after loss
Dedicated to the memory of Tatiana Thérosmé, our heroine.
On Grief and Loss
When people who are important to us die, we are heartbroken. Often, we feel their departure is too sudden or unjust. We struggle with a gamut of emotions, from despair to fury. We try to find language to articulate our hurt and seek comfort from many sources. We look for consolation in social media posts, talking with others, prayer, music, and objects that remind us of our loved ones. Maybe we even attempt to channel our deepest regrets and sadness into action. We try to do things. We organize around our customary cultural mourning practices. We host funerals and memorials. We create spaces for the expression of collective grief and mourning. And while all of these activities are essential to our process of accepting the loss, giving ourselves permission to express our grief in the most authentic and unrestrained way is key to our peace; sometimes, we just need to scream.
For the many people grieving in this moment of American history, there is a similar search for consolation and peace. With so much uncertainty about the future, anxiousness is a common experience among mourners. Many are seeking reassurance and perhaps, justice.
Some losses are unjust. On November 6th, 2024, I lost a treasured friend and colleague, Tatiana. She fought a harrowing battle with a rare liver disease and later cancer for several years. Despite her immense suffering, driven by undeterred passion for the mental health of Haitians living in rural communities, Tatiana kept fighting. She fought not just for her own life, but also for the rights of patients living with severe mental illness. She believed deeply in their humanity.
In one of Tatiana’s final messages to me a few days before her passing, she stated with complete confidence, “I trust God.” For my own consolation, I like to believe that this was her way of making peace with her illnesses. In another message, she expressed fatigue, which I had never heard her share before. In retrospect, I now understand that she perhaps was letting go and conceding to the loss of the battle.
Connecting to Peace after Loss
Finding peace after devastating loss is absolutely an onerous task. It will feel impossible; but it is not. When it is accessible, try:
Acknowledging your grief. Grief is not linear and can present itself in many different ways. Whether it is a loss of appetite, intense sadness, or waves of tearfulness, honor your grief. Don’t ignore or dismiss anything you are feeling. These responses are to be expected and are normal.
Being aware of your progress. As the old adage teaches us, “Time heals.” Be mindful of every day your grief becomes a little easier. Make note of what has changed, yet move through the grief at your own pace.
Leaning into community. Surround yourself with the people you trust and love the most. Text them, call them, visit them. Allow them to visit you or check on you or pray with you or share laughter and memories of your beloved lost one with you. Do not isolate.
Letting peace in. Feeling regret after loss is common. Hold compassion for yourself and the mistakes you may have made or the opportunities you may have lost. Look towards the future and the opportunities that remain for you to do better.
Resolving Ambivalence
Often, we harbor unresolved conflicts after loss. Our mixed feelings about the loss or the person we have lost can create even greater discomfort in our grieving process. Having mixed feelings about most situations is natural. Reconcile dissonance by accepting that your humanness is what permitted the bond you formed with your beloved in the first place.
It was a profound privilege to live, work, and share family and friends with Tatiana. I aim to find peace in the quietest parts of my mind that can still hear her laughing.